Rachel Writes

A few days ago, I was trudging through the day. Half heartedly, grudgingly, waiting for someone to rescue me. I don't think the kids are always watching my actions. I think that sometimes they are absorbed in their own worlds. But sometimes they are. And here's my little thought for today. What am I communicating about God to them? With my worry-- that Father, Creator does not care. With my impatient-- that there is no time or room from mistakes. With my fear-- that Death, Hurt, and Wrong win. These are not things that I want to believe. But apparently I live out of them. Deep breath. Let's try this again. with GRACE. I'll go pick the chocolate cereal out of the rug and try to laugh more, pray more, enjoy more. That seems more along the lines of Love.

Carol and friends got us the movie Brave . I like it. The kids liked it. But this post isn't about the movie, because although I liked it, my feelings about being brave feel even more intense than dealing with large, wild bears. War. Rape. Refugees. The Democratic Republic of Congo. My heart stopped. http://www.cnn.com/2012/11/27/opinion/congo-war-ignored-vava-tampa/index.html Division in the Church. And yet. And yet. I'm hopeful tonight. Because I'm brave. Because the battle is the Lord's. I am confident in a good God. I don't hear Him lately. But I see His work. One morning at a time. One clothed and fed child at a time. One breath at a time. One verse repeated. One bowing of the head. Small can be brave. Slow can be brave. Flawed yet believing is brave. Smiling through tears is brave. Honesty. Love. Giving of self. Receiving from others. Thank you.

So in a previous post I had noted that I'm affected by, even afraid of, people scoffing at me. I even specifically mentioned Tim Minchin (which maybe I shouldn't have. I like the dude a lot. Maybe it's not fair to mention people by name, even if they are famous. You have any thoughts on that? It's not that Tim's always scoffing, just sometimes) So scoffing-- what's the difference between a truthful, humorous comment (enlightening) and scoffing? Without Goggling it, (maybe I'll do that later),  I think it comes down to intent. Having humor while making a corrective judgment (offer?) is a very good thing. Humor is essential to good living. Of course, humor needs to be used in the context of a trusting and established relationship. Scoffing isn't about truth and the person's betterment. (even though there may be truth behind scoffing). It misses the mark because it's about putting another person or idea down. It's about getting the last laug...

I'm feeling a bit down tonight. I made enough mistakes today, ruffled enough feathers, to warrant feelings of discomfort in myself. I'm mad at myself for making mistakes. But as I'm typing this, I'm taking a step back. Wait a minute. That's okay. I admit my mistakes. I'm not going to repeat them. And if I do, I'll try again to NOT TO.  So, there is an update on me. And us. We're in America. We've had a great week of Good News Camp (missionary speakers and counselors of the best group of 8 year old boys ever). The whole family made the journey to Chicago (after stopping over with Kara and then the McGriffs) and back (mission headquarters and time with the Clintons (check), time with Vic and family (check), parks and playgrounds with Tyler (check), Lincoln Park Zoo with Joy Gwon (check), and Taylor U (check). Loving Ty Time! Tyler is a great person Yeah, free zoo! Whit's favorite Our very own Joy Gwon! ...

We're Stateside and loving lots of things about that. (I do miss you, Philippines! Don't worry.) This morning, the kids are at VBS, the baby is sleeping, and I can type! It's been weeks! Phew. Just had to get that out. So I read Psalm 40 this morning. (vs 1-3) I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet upon the rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.. Nice. Here's my question. What are people "seeing" and fearing that makes them put their trust in the Lord? The face of the Lord? The Lord's rescue (taking me from mud to rock?) Both? Because that leads me to something I'm struggling with as I look at the muck at my feet (I'm not being all dreary-- we've got lots of blessings, but we have some messes, or at least some wor...

Earthen Vessels, I'm taking the cue from you and writing my lists of transition anticipation and anxieties. July 11 to January 10, Micah, Rachel and kids are Stateside. Ahhhhh!s: (1) The word missionary. Ahhh! World domination and oppression anyone? Okay, listen, I still get freaked out explaining that we're missionaries to new people. That's such a loaded word. So, I do actually try to give a synopsis of what we do. But lots of people say, "So you're missionaries?" Right. We are. For better or worse. Hopefully for better! (2) Lots of presenting (Like/dislike relationship) (3) Jet lag (4) I will miss everyone here. :-( Too sad to really even write about that. Ya'all know about that. About moving away from good friends. This is only for 6 months. Tear my heart out! HURRAYs: (in no particular order) (1) CVS-- I miss you instant photos, coupons, store of a thousand things. (2) Mom and sister time (in-laws too, of course). YES. (3) Seasons! Wh...

Whit, we love your endearingly sweet spirit, your zany side (No, YOU'RE zany!), and your reflective moments. Happy birthday, buddy. Never to be out-done, princess Sojo shows us her circus moves (Yes, we did see Madagascar 3.) Tad says, "Are ya kiddin' me?" Believe it or not, she chose this pose The Man Yes, eating paper Peace out!

REFLECTION Our day starts with a barrage of requests. Help with clothes, the potty, food. It needs to be that way. It should be that way. And my kids feel secure when their requests are answered. And that's what Jesus told us to be like. Childlike. That's right asking. God, I need this. Please, You are the Giver, please, give this to me. TO DO LIST I need to make a timeline for a short video that we can use at camps and churches. We have a bit of packing. And I need to scan our airline tickets so we can get our Exit Clearance papers. Not too many essentials left! We'll be seeing some of you soon.

...if I'm being honest, and I am, post. I'm tired. Bone tired. Can hardly keep my eyes open tired. Three little kids. Lots of work to be done. Not enough sleep. It's a life I chose. It's not one I'd wish away. But I am tired. So, a friend is coming today. I think there's a nap in the fabric of the morning (after I write a check to school to cover the costs of our VISAs since our bank card has not arrived yet after our card being copied and funds being stolen from our account--- shew). They are 5, 3, and 1. Everyone needs lots of help and attention. Good thing my friend is coming. :-) Thank God for friends. Thank God for my sweet kids. Thank God that my existence is validated by faith in Jesus (Tim Keller's wording of Romans 3) and not by what I do. Hurray!

This (My God will supply all your needs) was the VBS theme at our church this year. How apropos! Soj dancing with her classmates Sojo (and I) loved the choreographed dancing. Way to go, VBS. You've really stepped up the action songs. In this picture, the kids are reminding you that if you need comfort, GOD'S GOT IT! This VBS was part of the Southern Baptist curriculum and it was excellent. Lots of crafts, stories, verses at the kids' developmental level. And with our favorite friends and teachers. The week was a real treat. Whitaker went 4 of the 6 days and I'm so proud of that. Thanks for continued prayers and interest in our lives. Micah finished the last teaching day of school and will spend the next few days (when not on the soccer field or playing strategy games with his barcada) at his desk grading final exams. Hehehe. Pay back time, students, right? Micah working

Those who have read my last few posts know that our family has been a victim of ATM fraud. Our card was copied and used over the past months. The amount that was skimmed is large. So, you'll have to bear with me as this is what I'm blogging about. In other news: Micah is in his finals week. He's written some wonderful finals! (Will his students agree) and I was so pleased when I was in the classroom the other day and saw a RUBRIC! Micah would kill me if he heard me call it that (well, maybe not) but he had such an aversion to all the "it" terms and ways of the American education system (possibly other countries are structure and rubric crazy as well?) that I was stunned to see this printed chart with marks on his desk. Well done, big guy! Back to bearing with me, it's a big part of my day to think through this crime against us and the mistakes I made that made this a long term problem when it could have been short term. (1) Transitions-- we were moving a...

Let all that I am praise the  Lord ;      with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. 2  Let all that I am praise the  Lord ;      may I never forget the good things he does for me. --Psalm 103:1-2 These are my theme verses as we finish our last 2 months in the Philippines. If you've talked to me, or I've made a midnight call to you (grin), you know that we've been stolen from, electronically. Ironic (and unfortunate). Last time Micah and I were leaving this country (before kids) we were burgled the old fashioned way. Someone broke in our house and stole money. (That time I hadn't locked the money drawer-- there's always something). But this time, I have a lot to be thankful for. We have 3 wonderful kids. My marriage to Micah is MUCH better than it was that first year (yikes, we had a rough start). And the Lord has blessed us with many friends. And for me, a renewed faith. That's a big one. Did you know I w...

I see the small window. I have to move towards it, squeeze through it. It's the window of making this disappointment in my life into something better. It's God making things beautiful. Because, he's provided this chance, but I have to be in position to make this failure a learning experience. Then it's not just a failure anymore. So, I'm claiming this new day. I'm moving my feet. I'm loving my kids and Micah. I want to be less judgmental. These are all valuable things. God can make all things beautiful.

Did you lose something? God can find it. Did you hurt someone? God can heal their heart. Did you miss the point? God can show you the truth. Did you waste A LOT of time? God can redeem it. He is the Redeemer. He makes all things new. He makes all things work together for good. He's the Good Shepherd. He's a loving Father. He's a tender Mother. God's all this for me tonight. I can't sleep. I'm brokenhearted over my own sin, my own short comings and the pain of this world. But tomorrow's a new day. Thank you, ladies, for telling me that over and over. You are His voice to me. We're going to paint tomorrow. And dance. And whatever Whitaker likes to do. And maybe we'll watch the end of Jungle Book . And read a Bible story. And sing songs. And we'll have fish and rice for lunch. with green beans and okra. And on Tuesday, I'll sit at the funeral of a little boy whose stay on earth was a mere 4 and a half years. And he was loved. And ...

It's the only photo of me in three months, compliments of Sojourner. Yikes-- teeth, chin. Ah well. So tonight's post is about failure. Let me get this out. It's not about bashing myself, but owning up to my short coming. I've been negligent in scrutinizing our ATM withdraws. For OVER A YEAR someone has been getting $200-400 a month out. Oh Lord, help me. So our bank is awesome and totally on top of it. My excuse. I have none. I've looked at the bank statements. Why did it not occur to me that our expenses weren't matching? I have no excuse. I just wasn't doing the math. I was looking at the statement, but not analyzing it. Lazy. So. I've repented and am coming home to good stewardship. I'm looking at our online statement every morning and confirming with Micah any charges that I see. So, have you made a mistake today? :-) Don't worry. God loves you. And I do too! Come home to a new way of living. Forgive yourself. And pr...

The Del Mar family is a huge part of our lives. Helpers, friends, well-- family. Rosana spends many hours with us each week (us being me and the kids). Her daughter Jacque is on one of our oldest friends and best loved babysitter (besides, you, Carol). I love Ate Rosana. I love her example of joy, strong-beautiful service, and godly humility. She teaches me new things every day and takes turn holding my giant baby. Love to you, Ate, on this coming Mother's Day. Taddy and Rosana at the grill

God, bless these dear ones because they live with me. I am selfish and (often) unwilling to sacrifice very much for them.   [a paraphrase of O. Hallesby's prayer from his book On Prayer ] I would add... Make my life one of joy, grace, and love. Amen! And this also means grace for me. Grace when I am impatient. Grace when I value a toy over a child (you should hear the scoldings I give for stepping on things or tossing them carelessly aside. I'm all for clear boundaries and instructions, but tongue lashings are selfish, not effective). Grace when I just can't do one more task. It's all covered.

Dear Whit, I love how you build a pillow fortress when you have trouble sleeping. You're blocking the frustrations and fears that keep you from resting. I will build a fortress tonight, one with words of comfort and truth. With images of light and victory. I'll embrace hope over anxiety. Thanks for teaching me, again Love you, Mom

I haven't sat down to think or write in a really long time, but I'm staying up past my bedtime tonight to try to write a few things down. To sort some of my feelings. To make sense of life. Taddy is at that dangerous stage of life. The one where he's trying to stand and falling. Where he's attempting to stick his fingers in electric sockets. And generally just trying to harm himself (well, I'm sure he's trying to reach the next developmental milestone, but it sure seems like he's trying to scare me silly). Sojo and Whit are delightfully complicated. One minute they're superheros saving the world and lifting everything in sight. And the next they're fighting just to fight. Here they are on Parade Day (Sojo's idea: let's have a parade!). Here's a picture of Whit, taken by Sojo.  Whenever I add pictures, my blog becomes whatever I just added pictures of. Oh well. I had other ideas about what to type, but they disap...

Lest you forget that we do live in a tropical paradise... pictures of our visit to a beach resort. What a special day with Mumbles.

Guilt was hanging heavy over my whole being tonight. And I prayed about it. And God revealed a really old sin that I had not repented of. So there I was with this sin in my face and a chance to repent and ask for God's healing in my life. And I did. And that's an eventual miracle.  I think I have a long healing road to walk, but I want to remember tonight. It's an altar to the Lord Jesus's faithfulness to me. The sin was a specific time that I said, "No. I won't obey you in this God." I don't think it was an angry, shaking my fist at the Heavens moment, but that doesn't seem to matter too much. It was outright disobedience that has had a long-reaching effects. And I'm glad that I'm not under it any more, by God's grace. So I was thinking about how I often thought a miracle is always a quick, lightning change. Very dramatic. But now I don't think that's always the case. Some, maybe even most, life-altering changes b...

February was a gift wrapped in hugs and sleeping in. I'm not going to pretend, having Roberta (aka Mumbles) with us was a little taste of heaven for me. The kids had a blast! And I had someone to start the coffee each morning. I'm drinking my solo cup today. So sad.  She's back to Baldwinsville. Okay, okay, we'll share her. Mumbles, I do hope your shoulder heals quickly! It was really hurting her as she traveled home. (A sad note to end the trip on!)  Sojo painted a castle on the play house, thanks to Mumbles's initiative and drawing skills. Whit loved his dragon. I'm not sure what his face is expressing, but I think he's going for 'tough as a dragon.' Thanks for a great time, Mumbles.

Don't we have exciting lives?! (See the post title) Today Sojo and James helped me scrub letter mats. I had a good time talking to my kindred spirit, Beth. I also got see other good friends for bits of the day and had great time chatting (as always) with Ate Rosana. I'm very, very thankful for all the great conversations and quality time I got today. What a blessing. I feel so filled. Micah, on the other hand, sat at LTO today to get his license (again). What a good boy. Dutiful. Doing the right thing. Thanks to Jobert for helping him! It's so nice to have a kauban (companion) who can help navigate government offices. Micah was there for 7 hours. And now has his license. Good waiting, M! Here's a cute Tad picture with his friend Bella. Sorry it's not connected to the post, but really, who prefers seeing me clean toys or Micah sit on a plastic bench for hours? :-) And one final note. In the words of Dr. Suess (think The Grinch Who Stole Christmas  music): F...

Sojo and Whit and I have been eating popsicles, learning some Korean (thanks, Grace), and sitting on the surfboard in this picture. Whitty carries that thing everywhere. Micah's been coaching sports and loving that. Good. Tad's been jumping in his Johnny Jumper and crawling backwards. I also went to a pretty cool ladies' retreat. I've been learning that I need to fear God. I don't know what that looks like exactly, but I hear it's the beginning of wisdom. I could use some of that there wisdom. :-)

Here's train conductor Taddy. 6 months old and growing cuter every day. Micah's off to the ISAC tournament. 4 sleeps without Daddy. We'll look forward to some good wins from both girls and boys teams. Go Faith! In Mommy news, I'm trying to upgrade our newsletter to the Mail Chimp system. So if you're on our email list, expect an email asking if you want to continue getting the list and if you're cool with the new system. (Thanks, Elise for the MailChimp tip.) If you're not on our list, do you want to be? The Stevenson Quarterly. Truly a literary gem. Or maybe just a way to stay updated on our lives. But regardless, want to hear from us? I'm blogging so I must be feeling better, right? I've been fighting back some anxiety lately, and maybe it just has to do with our upcoming move and Stateside assignment. I love going to America! But there's lots of steps in between and lots of changes. If you're someone who prays, then I...

We had a Christmas Eve meal with the Beckers. Thanks for coming over, you guys! We sang (a bit) and ate and just spent time together. Kara, this picture is especially for you so that you can see Taddy boy. He's growing. Starting to sit by himself. Loves baby food. I feel like we (those spending time at home) are in transition as we're adding Taddy more into our active routine (not just feeding and sleeping, but really playing too). I'm so glad he loves jumping-- thanks, Jer for lending the jolly jumper.

Happy birthday, Soj! She turned 4 last month. Here I am cracking up over the trick candles I put on Sojo's cake unknowingly. Thanks for those candles, Mumbles. I should have read the packaging. One of the mom's said, "Are those trick candles? Oh, that's mean!" We all had a good laugh. For some reason, it really made me laugh.