Rachel Writes

I like starting new projects. I like brainstorming and planning. But I don't like when I run out of steam. August was breathtaking in change for me--back to work. And I'm not really all together ...but here's my first main thought. I don't think I'm ever totally ready to take on scary, new, exciting things. Like parenthood. Or new friendships. Or moving. For sure, there are optimal times for change. But I have to be honest, I don't think life often just lines up like that. And I can't seem to stand tall and strong enough to tell Life to let me change at my own pace. I could have said no to the English class this year. But I didn't really know how or why I would (other than being tired). And I could not say no to the preschool, because that was a dream and a hope. (And I was so looking forward to it!) But I can say no to the amount of students-- doubled within the month. Because my family gets tired me. Tired, but-trying-not-to-show-it me. And I...

Big guy ready to party Early morn, and I'm up and soaking the chicken in egg. Ready for my friend Ling-Ling to fry them. I fill a few more water balloons, gather crayons and markers, and finish the birthday sign. Today is it, the long awaited birthday marked by an 80 day countdown. Whit is up by six o'clock. He gives me a big hug. "Can I help, Mama?" Now there is a moment I'll hold in my heart.   And there are more. Whit walking the line as he carries our supplies out to the school covered court (he is a bit of a Monk-- the Tony Shalhoub kind). Whitty's enthusiasm over the games (Everyone actually is a ninja). And his blinking when faced with the stay-lit candles. We love this guy. Whit, we're so glad you are a part of our family.

Yesterday, I was scared to go to the post office. I felt afraid to drive, unsure of where to park, and not up to the cross culture stress. But, no more. Today was the post office challenge. And I nailed it.  The lucky recipients of packages and letters. (1) Mumbles-a birthday present, (2) Ashley in Korea, and (3) My Mama-- Happy belated Mothers' Day! I saddled up and drove to the middle of the city. What I had forgotten was... There is parking all around the entire building! So easy to park. (especially for a motorbike. Zang!) 40 minutes and 4 windows later, I managed to mail these letters and package. (And I got to laugh with my fellow Filipino countrymen and women about the slowness of the system-- bonding!) Yay! Victory!

It took a few minutes. Elvie was getting the family's food for the week at the market. Her son and husband were digging a septic tank for their new house. You see, Elvie has been living on her grandparents land for many years. Raising her kids. Working. And seeing them through college. The new house has been a dream deferred for 20 plus years. But last weekend, ready or not, the new house is the focus. Elvie and her family are staying with other family members until they can finish the floor, walls and roof of the new house. They have to raise 18,000 pesos ($420) if they want these three items. Currently, Elvie and Empin (her husband), have enough money each month to cover food expenses. But they are in debt as their daughter finishes her last part of university-- the board exam. This costs 15,000 pesos ($350) I'd like you to consider the trauma of losing every earthly possession. I'd like to ask you to send a special gift to Elvie (through us) so that she ca...

Depression is a strange experience. A strange haze to live in. Wikipedia defines depression as a mental disorder characterized by a pervasive and persistent low mood that is accompanied by low self-esteem and by a loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. Nadia Bolz-Weber calls her depression Francis, the terrible roommate who wouldn't leave until Wellbutron showed up. For me, depression is a chain-smoking, verbally abusive 60's fashion plate standing in the corner of my mind criticizing everything. And other time she manifests as a  fog pressing down. I'm here again. It's been years since I've last waded through this. And for that I am so grateful. I'm not as scared this time around. Just ready to get back to the work of healing. In another state of mind, I can realize that healing can be granted (Help my unbelief!), but for now, I will continue the steps to fight the demon that I do not want to live with. I exercise, ...

Anyone up for a game of UNO?     TAD: These pictures are good for my soul. Taddy is a beautiful boy. He wakes up rolling, kicking and punching. His spirit is awesome-- big and bold. And sometimes I feel tired being with him (or being tackled by him). We're working through that-- his energy and my lack thereof. What this means for our interaction. ME: I'm back to exercising in the morning. Having 10 or so minutes of reflection. And then entering the day. I will start seeing a counselor next week to deal with reoccurring anxiety attacks and some physical symptoms of depression (sore muscles, confusion, and high anxiety). Having weathered this before, I'm not afraid and very hopeful. (when I'm not in the middle of an anxiety storm) I'm coaching basketball 2 afternoons for kinder and first grade. I love it! SOJ: Sojo loves school and I'm so happy for her. Lately her ears have bothered her, so that was really concerning me. But she's on al...

I love Taddy's sweet little face. What a cute person. But, oh, can he be ridiculous. He asks for candy every 15 minutes. He is persistent. He will not nap. He is strong.  And he is two. And life is difficult and overwhelming. I find having a two year old brings up in me feelings of insufficiency. Even now. Taddy is shouting, I just want you today! And I will close this post and hold him. Because, I don't have all the answers. And that's okay. I pray for the grace to hold on to hope and to see beauty. To hear beauty, in the midst of the shouting and screaming. God's grace be with us all.