Rachel Writes

It took a few minutes. Elvie was getting the family's food for the week at the market. Her son and husband were digging a septic tank for their new house. You see, Elvie has been living on her grandparents land for many years. Raising her kids. Working. And seeing them through college. The new house has been a dream deferred for 20 plus years. But last weekend, ready or not, the new house is the focus. Elvie and her family are staying with other family members until they can finish the floor, walls and roof of the new house. They have to raise 18,000 pesos ($420) if they want these three items. Currently, Elvie and Empin (her husband), have enough money each month to cover food expenses. But they are in debt as their daughter finishes her last part of university-- the board exam. This costs 15,000 pesos ($350) I'd like you to consider the trauma of losing every earthly possession. I'd like to ask you to send a special gift to Elvie (through us) so that she ca...

Depression is a strange experience. A strange haze to live in. Wikipedia defines depression as a mental disorder characterized by a pervasive and persistent low mood that is accompanied by low self-esteem and by a loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. Nadia Bolz-Weber calls her depression Francis, the terrible roommate who wouldn't leave until Wellbutron showed up. For me, depression is a chain-smoking, verbally abusive 60's fashion plate standing in the corner of my mind criticizing everything. And other time she manifests as a  fog pressing down. I'm here again. It's been years since I've last waded through this. And for that I am so grateful. I'm not as scared this time around. Just ready to get back to the work of healing. In another state of mind, I can realize that healing can be granted (Help my unbelief!), but for now, I will continue the steps to fight the demon that I do not want to live with. I exercise, ...

Anyone up for a game of UNO?     TAD: These pictures are good for my soul. Taddy is a beautiful boy. He wakes up rolling, kicking and punching. His spirit is awesome-- big and bold. And sometimes I feel tired being with him (or being tackled by him). We're working through that-- his energy and my lack thereof. What this means for our interaction. ME: I'm back to exercising in the morning. Having 10 or so minutes of reflection. And then entering the day. I will start seeing a counselor next week to deal with reoccurring anxiety attacks and some physical symptoms of depression (sore muscles, confusion, and high anxiety). Having weathered this before, I'm not afraid and very hopeful. (when I'm not in the middle of an anxiety storm) I'm coaching basketball 2 afternoons for kinder and first grade. I love it! SOJ: Sojo loves school and I'm so happy for her. Lately her ears have bothered her, so that was really concerning me. But she's on al...

I love Taddy's sweet little face. What a cute person. But, oh, can he be ridiculous. He asks for candy every 15 minutes. He is persistent. He will not nap. He is strong.  And he is two. And life is difficult and overwhelming. I find having a two year old brings up in me feelings of insufficiency. Even now. Taddy is shouting, I just want you today! And I will close this post and hold him. Because, I don't have all the answers. And that's okay. I pray for the grace to hold on to hope and to see beauty. To hear beauty, in the midst of the shouting and screaming. God's grace be with us all.

My Job Counting Beetles VW Beetles, that is. We are currently at 107. The VW Beetle is fairly popular in our city. What an iconic car! The kids take counting these babies very seriously. It all started when one of our best friends, James, taught the kids slug bug. (The game I grew up calling punch buggie.) They started collecting the cars for him. Really sweet. So I decided to mirror their enthusiasm and truly keep record. What's a friend for?

My counselor suggested that I make a list of who I want to be. A list not based on other people (as much as humanly possible). So I'm trying. And the first real item I came up with is: (1) Respected AND loved by my children Grant you, not all the time, but in due time. See, the list has to be realistic. :-) And we're dealing with people. So love can be strong. But I know it breaks down sometimes. I'm not as afraid of repairs as I used to be. But this first item-- is it one that should go on my list. Because it is dependent on other people. On their love. Perhaps, instead, I should think about what makes a mother lovable and respectable. So perhaps, (1) Fair in my decisions (2) Consistent in my care (3) Compassionate towards the kids and myself (4) Fun I like these. Once again, I choose to forgive myself today. Forgiveness is possible. I need it. I love it. This is good.

One line. It's making a difference for me. This job is important. Washing faces and hands. Scrambling eggs. Clearing tables. Reading stories. Demonstrating kindness. This job is important. Because it matters how they experience life. It matters how they will treat others. But it also matters how I feel. And many days I feel discouraged. Disappointed. Wishing for something different. So that's why hearing "this job matters" (from me, to me ) is important. Because I believe it, even if I lose sight of hope sometimes. It's easy to forget that I felt this way in the workplace sometimes too. It's not just being at home with 3 little ones that has challenges. Our routines can get us down. Without a vision the people perish. So what's my vision? Acceptance. Kindness. Goodness. Grace. This job is important. And so is yours.