Rachel Writes

My Job Counting Beetles VW Beetles, that is. We are currently at 107. The VW Beetle is fairly popular in our city. What an iconic car! The kids take counting these babies very seriously. It all started when one of our best friends, James, taught the kids slug bug. (The game I grew up calling punch buggie.) They started collecting the cars for him. Really sweet. So I decided to mirror their enthusiasm and truly keep record. What's a friend for?

My counselor suggested that I make a list of who I want to be. A list not based on other people (as much as humanly possible). So I'm trying. And the first real item I came up with is: (1) Respected AND loved by my children Grant you, not all the time, but in due time. See, the list has to be realistic. :-) And we're dealing with people. So love can be strong. But I know it breaks down sometimes. I'm not as afraid of repairs as I used to be. But this first item-- is it one that should go on my list. Because it is dependent on other people. On their love. Perhaps, instead, I should think about what makes a mother lovable and respectable. So perhaps, (1) Fair in my decisions (2) Consistent in my care (3) Compassionate towards the kids and myself (4) Fun I like these. Once again, I choose to forgive myself today. Forgiveness is possible. I need it. I love it. This is good.

One line. It's making a difference for me. This job is important. Washing faces and hands. Scrambling eggs. Clearing tables. Reading stories. Demonstrating kindness. This job is important. Because it matters how they experience life. It matters how they will treat others. But it also matters how I feel. And many days I feel discouraged. Disappointed. Wishing for something different. So that's why hearing "this job matters" (from me, to me ) is important. Because I believe it, even if I lose sight of hope sometimes. It's easy to forget that I felt this way in the workplace sometimes too. It's not just being at home with 3 little ones that has challenges. Our routines can get us down. Without a vision the people perish. So what's my vision? Acceptance. Kindness. Goodness. Grace. This job is important. And so is yours.

Dear Rachel, I know that you have many plans this week. You want the kids to enjoy the last full week of summer. You are always wondering if you have taught them enough and if you all are good enough. Please, remember that you love them. Take a chance just to look at them, hug them, and love them. These precious people have changed your life. You do well to build relationship with them. And Rachel, please, look at Micah. Watch all the wonderful things that he does. Let him know that you notice. Please, look for the good. And be glad. Don't give up. It's going to be a great week. I'm cheering for you. Love, Vacation Rachel

I'm Stateside 2 weeks for a wedding and time with family. It's quiet and lovely. I miss the kids, but I am enjoying quiet mornings. Delicious. My parents home is so comfortable. I just called the credit card company and sorted everything within 2 minutes. That is unparalleled in my experience of living overseas. And I know that it's the price that I pay for living in eternal summer and enjoying the best of a tropical island, but it's also nice to enjoy American convenience. And quiet. The American super characteristic, silent sufficiency. And the Filipino one, vibrant community. I'm blessed to taste both worlds.

Book by D. Siegel. I've just started to read Parenting from the Inside Out. It's not an easy read, but it's not overly serious or using too much academic language. (Have you read a book like that? Snoring after one sentence. Or at least having to reread lots?) I like that it offers a chance to reflect. And a chance to read more or less about the science behind the reflection exercises. One of the main principles is mindfulness . (Vocab word in this book.) I do well to follow this. Slow down. Ask what am I feeling and why. Especially in parenting situations. Especially when I might feel angry. Yes. Anger is part of the human experience. But lets ask why about anger. Maybe I am also experiencing fear or shame. Maybe there is an old pattern of wrong behavior or thinking in me that needs to come to light. This book is very helpful, Dr. Siegel. Thank you.

I'm not a very good cook, but not awful either. This takes me out of the awful category: I can count only 3 times where I've made meals that have caused me to gag. So in general, I'm a decent cook. A good cook, is a healthy man or woman, stirring 3 bowls of ingredients simultaneously. Cooking a combo of 5 side dishes and main courses in one afternoon. Even my friend who is as skinny as the letter l (not my typical view of a good cook) is a marvelous cook because the capacity of her heart. She receives each ingredient as a gift. She marvels over them. Takes the time for things to simmer and roast. And the ingredients just fall in love with her and produce a marvelous dish. It's okay that I cannot cook well because I persevere anyway and feed the various people around me. It's also okay because I know how to laugh, at myself, at situations, and that is Grace. And that makes today okay.