Rachel Writes

What a strange change of pace-- having to limit contact and take life slower. It is a challenge for me. I find myself working away a sewing or writing project and then sitting up suddenly. Who is there for me to interact with? My reinforcers, it turns out, are mostly socially-mediated. I want to interact a couple times in an hour in what my husband refers to as "chit chat." I love the light conversation about nothing and everything. I like to watch other people as they talk. I like learning about others as they share or don't. I like being with people. But I do realize that I don't really listen to myself. Having to be alone more has forced me to try to know me more. To be my own companion. This is new and difficult. But it is important. For those around the world, facing hardship today, I send my love and I do pray for peace and goodness to prevail in all communities. Selah.

This morning as I used the blender, I realized I preferred its sound to my children. Yeesh. That makes me laugh and cringe at the same time. I love them and love hearing them happy, but lately I just want that elusive quiet. Anecdote: After announcing their decision to divorce, the Chapmens challenged their son to take a walk in his mind and find  the joy around him. Bless him. That twelve year old did it. I'm taking that walk this morning in my mind. There are lots of things I love about life.

Our neighborhood is a mass of chipped concrete and peeling paint. It's messy. But when I look up, there is blue sky and coconut trees. Perspective matters. As they dig in the lot beside us, once green, littered on, but green, I feel sad to see more green disappear. I try to concentrate on the families that will enjoy housing. Development has its complexities, yes?

Here's a challenge. What do we own? I'm not against ownership. I AM against greed. Sometimes it feels difficult to tell the difference, especially in between cultures. What is privacy and what is friendly and what is discretion? In the Philippines, we stay in a three-room apartment. Many of our neighbors and people on the street can see us if we go outside our door. And people live within inches of each of our four walls. We live very close to our neighbors, some who are suspicious of us. Some of whom I feel suspicious. I have been robbed by men 6 times, by a woman once. Two times, the hold-up involved a handgun. So, I get nervous. Challenge accepted. Two neighbors came to an apartment party. One house received a hello cake from the Stevensons. Now I have to think of a safe, cultural appropriate way to deal with the two young men who drink cocktails directly below my back balcony and watch me do laundry. As a white Americana, I get uncomfortable being watched. Well gues...

I often come back to the question-- what does a wonderful mama do? There are lots of good answers--in other words, options.  And when I ask this question--what does a wonderful mama do-- I hear a counselor saying, sometimes we need to allow ourselves to be "good enough" parents. So while allowing for the variety and shades of personalities of parents and seasons of life, I do want to note that at this point in my life, I have to strive for, fight for, a few minutes of concentrated quiet everyday... Or I will dry up. So at the end of a very long road trip with a good friend and 3 precious kids, I remember that I will need time to recover from the time away. And that I'm glad we went for it. Pennsylvania to Texas to NOLA to Tennessee and back home. Great job, Team Stevenson Alvarado!

A good morning begins with coffee. And with a snuggle. And prayers. The busiest of days require a good morning.

Family Tree "Mom, what's the name of your Pappy? The one who called everyone silly names?" "Pappy Roy."  "Oh. What are the name of your other grandparents? What were they like?" public domain from www.jessicacrabtree.com The kids and I had a long discussion about my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles today.  I did my best to give a short story about each person.  Was it wrong that I told them the truth about Farmer Ken? (My paternal grandfather) Not a nice guy. Grouchy. I felt so sad as I was recounting how he was never loving or kind. He was surly or silent. I must note that once he let me light his pipe. Perhaps the nicest thing he ever did. Sometimes he would let us watch Nickelodeon, a special treat since we didn't have that at home. But overall, a life marked by a frown. One that I drew next to his name on the roughly sketched tree I drew for the kids. I had so many good stories about Pappy Roy. I felt so hap...

Look, I'm no track star. A season with all last-place finishes is evidence of that. But when I'm moving through my day, I like to go fast. Maybe that's my major "Grrrrrr" about having a to-do list AND having kids along. Tad's latest thing is to open his mouth in every picture. What would be a 2 minute walk down a hallway becomes a fifteen minute obstacle course. Challenge for me: keep it kind. I can request that the kids speed up, but I need to be aware of how often I do that.  In the same vein, they are kids-- they play and play is essential to their growth. So, we are traveling home this morning, maybe not a pace I would prefer, but that's okay. Like I remind the kids, it is important how I feel, but also how others feel too.

"Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, Oh Lord." Thanks, Carolina, for sending this my way. Many days, I don't feel loved enough. I'm a black hole of love. I'm angry when M is not kind enough,attentive enough. When I don't hear thank you, or cheerful things enough from whomever. Well, I always have the chance to be in the light of God's presence. This does not take away my love for human companionship, but being in God's light does make me more flexible. And stronger. Let's be kind to one another. Let's also look to God's light to shine upon us and give us strength! Three weeks until finals week. Go, students, go!! (Me included.) Study Room Mess!

Cynthia Hurd, 54, branch manager for the Charleston County Library System Susie Jackson, 87, longtime church member Ethel Lance, 70, employee of Emanuel AME Church for 30 years Rev. DePayne Middleton-Doctor, 49, admissions counselor of Southern Wesleyan University The Honorable Rev. Clementa Pinckney, 41, state senator, Reverend of Emanuel AME Church Tywanza Sanders, 26, earned business administration degree from Allen University Rev. Daniel Simmons Sr., 74, retired pastor (died at MUSC) Rev. Sharonda Singleton, 45, track coach at Goose Creek High School Myra Thompson, 59, church member http://www.wspa.com/story/29354842/coroner-releases-victims-names-of-charleston-church-shooting

Tad and I Had a little Sponge Bob tent time today. I'm breathing each morning, visualizing good connection with my boys. Last night, Tad ran off at the mall with Whit close behind. Soj and I couldn't find them for ten minutes. I was thoroughly frightened. "Don't run off! It's not safe. " I hugged them.  "Mama, I was following Tad," said sweet Whit. "I wanted some fun!" shouted lively Tad. I was then pick pocketed at the mall. Well, pick pursed. Mostly just annoyed. Although, it makes me not want to go to that mall anymore. Formally my favorite. Well, at least not w children. PICKPOCKETR'S TARGET! Packing away. The move is close.

I've focused on self compassion the last two years. In an effort to strengthen my self compassion (to strengthen myself!), I have tried to be accepting of my strengths and weaknesses.  What happens when my strength (in even stronger terms, a motivating element of my life) seems at odds with self care? Now I feel challenged to balance self acceptance and self care. I am a helper. I am often happy when I serve people and they are satisfied, relieved, helped. But this is problematic when I forget to help myself. Lately, I've been trying to ask myself what I need. It is not easy for me to answer this. Often the answers seem ridiculous, I the sense that they are temporary patches, not addressing deeper, unmet needs. I will write if I find more balance I this, but I'd love to hear if others have encountered conflicts when trying to discover and care for themselves. How have you resolved these conflicts? Or attempted to....

Yes, I did just upload a tax selfie. Taxes are work, eh? Not hard work, but requiring meticulous record keeping    (FINDING THOSE FILES! I know I scanned that last year, but where is it now? Puh-leez)   and determination. (Yes, I did just fill out the questionnaire the wrong way, and yes, I will do it over.)   Two skills I'm willing to grow at: record keeping and determination.   So thanks, Ashley, for your challenge to see money as a teacher. (Not as a master-- I've heard she's a ruthless master).   And now I'll try to shut down the over-analytical part of my brain so I can enjoy the rest of my day.  

I like starting new projects. I like brainstorming and planning. But I don't like when I run out of steam. August was breathtaking in change for me--back to work. And I'm not really all together ...but here's my first main thought. I don't think I'm ever totally ready to take on scary, new, exciting things. Like parenthood. Or new friendships. Or moving. For sure, there are optimal times for change. But I have to be honest, I don't think life often just lines up like that. And I can't seem to stand tall and strong enough to tell Life to let me change at my own pace. I could have said no to the English class this year. But I didn't really know how or why I would (other than being tired). And I could not say no to the preschool, because that was a dream and a hope. (And I was so looking forward to it!) But I can say no to the amount of students-- doubled within the month. Because my family gets tired me. Tired, but-trying-not-to-show-it me. And I...

Big guy ready to party Early morn, and I'm up and soaking the chicken in egg. Ready for my friend Ling-Ling to fry them. I fill a few more water balloons, gather crayons and markers, and finish the birthday sign. Today is it, the long awaited birthday marked by an 80 day countdown. Whit is up by six o'clock. He gives me a big hug. "Can I help, Mama?" Now there is a moment I'll hold in my heart.   And there are more. Whit walking the line as he carries our supplies out to the school covered court (he is a bit of a Monk-- the Tony Shalhoub kind). Whitty's enthusiasm over the games (Everyone actually is a ninja). And his blinking when faced with the stay-lit candles. We love this guy. Whit, we're so glad you are a part of our family.

Yesterday, I was scared to go to the post office. I felt afraid to drive, unsure of where to park, and not up to the cross culture stress. But, no more. Today was the post office challenge. And I nailed it.  The lucky recipients of packages and letters. (1) Mumbles-a birthday present, (2) Ashley in Korea, and (3) My Mama-- Happy belated Mothers' Day! I saddled up and drove to the middle of the city. What I had forgotten was... There is parking all around the entire building! So easy to park. (especially for a motorbike. Zang!) 40 minutes and 4 windows later, I managed to mail these letters and package. (And I got to laugh with my fellow Filipino countrymen and women about the slowness of the system-- bonding!) Yay! Victory!

It took a few minutes. Elvie was getting the family's food for the week at the market. Her son and husband were digging a septic tank for their new house. You see, Elvie has been living on her grandparents land for many years. Raising her kids. Working. And seeing them through college. The new house has been a dream deferred for 20 plus years. But last weekend, ready or not, the new house is the focus. Elvie and her family are staying with other family members until they can finish the floor, walls and roof of the new house. They have to raise 18,000 pesos ($420) if they want these three items. Currently, Elvie and Empin (her husband), have enough money each month to cover food expenses. But they are in debt as their daughter finishes her last part of university-- the board exam. This costs 15,000 pesos ($350) I'd like you to consider the trauma of losing every earthly possession. I'd like to ask you to send a special gift to Elvie (through us) so that she ca...

Depression is a strange experience. A strange haze to live in. Wikipedia defines depression as a mental disorder characterized by a pervasive and persistent low mood that is accompanied by low self-esteem and by a loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. Nadia Bolz-Weber calls her depression Francis, the terrible roommate who wouldn't leave until Wellbutron showed up. For me, depression is a chain-smoking, verbally abusive 60's fashion plate standing in the corner of my mind criticizing everything. And other time she manifests as a  fog pressing down. I'm here again. It's been years since I've last waded through this. And for that I am so grateful. I'm not as scared this time around. Just ready to get back to the work of healing. In another state of mind, I can realize that healing can be granted (Help my unbelief!), but for now, I will continue the steps to fight the demon that I do not want to live with. I exercise, ...

Anyone up for a game of UNO?     TAD: These pictures are good for my soul. Taddy is a beautiful boy. He wakes up rolling, kicking and punching. His spirit is awesome-- big and bold. And sometimes I feel tired being with him (or being tackled by him). We're working through that-- his energy and my lack thereof. What this means for our interaction. ME: I'm back to exercising in the morning. Having 10 or so minutes of reflection. And then entering the day. I will start seeing a counselor next week to deal with reoccurring anxiety attacks and some physical symptoms of depression (sore muscles, confusion, and high anxiety). Having weathered this before, I'm not afraid and very hopeful. (when I'm not in the middle of an anxiety storm) I'm coaching basketball 2 afternoons for kinder and first grade. I love it! SOJ: Sojo loves school and I'm so happy for her. Lately her ears have bothered her, so that was really concerning me. But she's on al...

I love Taddy's sweet little face. What a cute person. But, oh, can he be ridiculous. He asks for candy every 15 minutes. He is persistent. He will not nap. He is strong.  And he is two. And life is difficult and overwhelming. I find having a two year old brings up in me feelings of insufficiency. Even now. Taddy is shouting, I just want you today! And I will close this post and hold him. Because, I don't have all the answers. And that's okay. I pray for the grace to hold on to hope and to see beauty. To hear beauty, in the midst of the shouting and screaming. God's grace be with us all.