Rachel Writes

Cynthia Hurd, 54, branch manager for the Charleston County Library System Susie Jackson, 87, longtime church member Ethel Lance, 70, employee of Emanuel AME Church for 30 years Rev. DePayne Middleton-Doctor, 49, admissions counselor of Southern Wesleyan University The Honorable Rev. Clementa Pinckney, 41, state senator, Reverend of Emanuel AME Church Tywanza Sanders, 26, earned business administration degree from Allen University Rev. Daniel Simmons Sr., 74, retired pastor (died at MUSC) Rev. Sharonda Singleton, 45, track coach at Goose Creek High School Myra Thompson, 59, church member http://www.wspa.com/story/29354842/coroner-releases-victims-names-of-charleston-church-shooting

Tad and I Had a little Sponge Bob tent time today. I'm breathing each morning, visualizing good connection with my boys. Last night, Tad ran off at the mall with Whit close behind. Soj and I couldn't find them for ten minutes. I was thoroughly frightened. "Don't run off! It's not safe. " I hugged them.  "Mama, I was following Tad," said sweet Whit. "I wanted some fun!" shouted lively Tad. I was then pick pocketed at the mall. Well, pick pursed. Mostly just annoyed. Although, it makes me not want to go to that mall anymore. Formally my favorite. Well, at least not w children. PICKPOCKETR'S TARGET! Packing away. The move is close.

I've focused on self compassion the last two years. In an effort to strengthen my self compassion (to strengthen myself!), I have tried to be accepting of my strengths and weaknesses.  What happens when my strength (in even stronger terms, a motivating element of my life) seems at odds with self care? Now I feel challenged to balance self acceptance and self care. I am a helper. I am often happy when I serve people and they are satisfied, relieved, helped. But this is problematic when I forget to help myself. Lately, I've been trying to ask myself what I need. It is not easy for me to answer this. Often the answers seem ridiculous, I the sense that they are temporary patches, not addressing deeper, unmet needs. I will write if I find more balance I this, but I'd love to hear if others have encountered conflicts when trying to discover and care for themselves. How have you resolved these conflicts? Or attempted to....

Yes, I did just upload a tax selfie. Taxes are work, eh? Not hard work, but requiring meticulous record keeping    (FINDING THOSE FILES! I know I scanned that last year, but where is it now? Puh-leez)   and determination. (Yes, I did just fill out the questionnaire the wrong way, and yes, I will do it over.)   Two skills I'm willing to grow at: record keeping and determination.   So thanks, Ashley, for your challenge to see money as a teacher. (Not as a master-- I've heard she's a ruthless master).   And now I'll try to shut down the over-analytical part of my brain so I can enjoy the rest of my day.  

I like starting new projects. I like brainstorming and planning. But I don't like when I run out of steam. August was breathtaking in change for me--back to work. And I'm not really all together ...but here's my first main thought. I don't think I'm ever totally ready to take on scary, new, exciting things. Like parenthood. Or new friendships. Or moving. For sure, there are optimal times for change. But I have to be honest, I don't think life often just lines up like that. And I can't seem to stand tall and strong enough to tell Life to let me change at my own pace. I could have said no to the English class this year. But I didn't really know how or why I would (other than being tired). And I could not say no to the preschool, because that was a dream and a hope. (And I was so looking forward to it!) But I can say no to the amount of students-- doubled within the month. Because my family gets tired me. Tired, but-trying-not-to-show-it me. And I...

Big guy ready to party Early morn, and I'm up and soaking the chicken in egg. Ready for my friend Ling-Ling to fry them. I fill a few more water balloons, gather crayons and markers, and finish the birthday sign. Today is it, the long awaited birthday marked by an 80 day countdown. Whit is up by six o'clock. He gives me a big hug. "Can I help, Mama?" Now there is a moment I'll hold in my heart.   And there are more. Whit walking the line as he carries our supplies out to the school covered court (he is a bit of a Monk-- the Tony Shalhoub kind). Whitty's enthusiasm over the games (Everyone actually is a ninja). And his blinking when faced with the stay-lit candles. We love this guy. Whit, we're so glad you are a part of our family.

Yesterday, I was scared to go to the post office. I felt afraid to drive, unsure of where to park, and not up to the cross culture stress. But, no more. Today was the post office challenge. And I nailed it.  The lucky recipients of packages and letters. (1) Mumbles-a birthday present, (2) Ashley in Korea, and (3) My Mama-- Happy belated Mothers' Day! I saddled up and drove to the middle of the city. What I had forgotten was... There is parking all around the entire building! So easy to park. (especially for a motorbike. Zang!) 40 minutes and 4 windows later, I managed to mail these letters and package. (And I got to laugh with my fellow Filipino countrymen and women about the slowness of the system-- bonding!) Yay! Victory!